comfort and release

today i discovered something i thought i’d forgotten..

rationality

you see, she’s a serial monogamist
she loves, and then is left, and then she loves again
again and again
she was left last in january 2007
she fell into my arms in may,
with no time to grieve, or recover herself from the depths of
betrayal and deception
we weren’t ready,
we clung on for dear life and maybe, just maybe,
this is our undoing..
maybe we’ve served our purpose, and it’s time to move on..
maybe not..

she has two weeks although
she will never know of the deadline,
she will never need to..
If i don’t turn around and escape the toxicity and poisoning of my heart
i will leave.. and try not to look back
although for that i will not offer any guarantees

But, you see
As a Serial Monogamist
She won’t leave me for the instructor
She won’t have an affair
She can’t
It is not in her makeup
Because with him, it will never be monogamy – he is already married

serial monogamy is not a dirty phrase..
i’m not sure why it’s been seen as such..
very rarely has a phrase caused me so much comfort and release..

cyber-cheating?

Another confession that, this time doesn’t involve Kiwi’s.. Saturday Afternoon I had to work on a weekend, which is something that I generally avoid at all costs!

But, as happens on a weekend an old friend (well an ex) of mine who has recently broken up with her boyfriend and was in need of a bit of cheering up.. so the conversation kept twisting and turning until we started talking about our past sexual adventures..

I was sitting opposite my boss working on a document that had to be submitted on Monday and chatting away as the conversation got a little more explicit.. she was going to go to bed in a minute and started describing the lacy panties and little top that she was going to wear.. she asked what i would do if I was there with her and told her in detail all about how I would take them off – slowly, sensually, teasing her.. before having amazing sex and coming together in a rush.. all the time I was sitting there opposite my boss typing away, heart pounding as she is sitting at her computer at home playing with herself and bringing herself to an amazing orgasm..

It was one of the most erotic experiences I’ve had in a long time.. my heart is pounding just thinking about it!

ahhh… next time I’ll have to be well away from work!

ok.. so i told her

In the end, I couldn’t tell a lie and I took the moral high ground by saying that I do indeed have a girlfriend, but that things are a little bit rocky and that it is time for some decision making.. it seems to have worked, the flirty banter has kept up all week and weekend, which has made me a kinda happy boy.

*Delayed* RESULT!

**I was going to post this Sunday, Then Monday, Then Tuesday… but this week has been crazy! 3 x 12 hour days so far..**

What a weekend it was, it almost lived up to my worst fears and best imaginings – but when the critical moment came, I backed out like a wimp. A friend decided to come along to my cute Kiwi’s party on to try and keep me on the straight and narrow, but when she left at about 10pm all hell was about to break loose..

My cute Kiwi is about 5’5″, curly auburn hair, a fantastic figure and a whole lot of fun. Dressed in the maids outfit (with 2 naughty cops and a couple of school-girls) she was the life of the party. She was definitely dressed to please and dressed to please.. At the end of the night she offered me a place on her couch – I was a touch disappointed and left to go home (thinking as I left that I probably wasn’t going to be spending much time on the couch), but when I got home I felt kind of honourable and happy to do the right thing by my girlfriend… As I left though, there were a couple of big hugs and lots of lingering ‘cheek kisses’ to keep each of us interested. We were texting on my way home and a couple of times i almost asked the cabby to turn around, but there was ‘no sure thing’..

Over the rest of the weekend? Well, we saw each other 3 more times, each time with my girlfriend’s friends around. The texting continued and got more flirtatious.. I almost asked her to a movie and I’ve almost asked her out this weekend… the only problem is that THIS time my girlfriend will be around… My Kiwi asked about the girlfriend that she remembered from a couple of months ago when we last met and I honestly don’t know what to say… Maybe that says it all…

What should i say?

relationships as choose your own adventure books

Some 3 years ago I faced a dilemma. The ‘girl of my dreams’ – the ex I’ve spoken of before – was away for a year, galavanting around South America. While she was gone I made the most of my single status and ran through life like a kid in a sweet store. I met lots of girls and had a lot of fun, sadly I couldn’t quite get my mind off the ex and I also broke the hearts of at least 2 girls who I simply met at the wrong time.

I was emailing one of these girls today and she mentioned that our relationship is kind of like a ‘choose your own adventure‘ book. When my ex came back I chose the direction that could only lead to a horrible fiery death. Our romance did die a horrible death, with a lot of pain on both sides – mostly her’s though. It led me to thinking, my life and relationships have been a bit of a CYOA. I always end up making that horrible fiery choice.  I see that a relationship is going well, I begin to enjoy it, then I get expectations. When those expectations are not met, I get frustrated and work my way into a frenzy.   I choose the horrible fiery death and make sure that it drags out as long as it can.  I think I am doing this now, maybe that’s one of the reasons that I’m nervous/excited about this weekend’s party?  Surely getting a good all over clean from a french maid would be the perfect way to begin my trail of fiery death.  We’ll see soon enough just how keen i am on pressing that self destruct button.

visas and terrorists

A friend of mine is an Arab trying to get a visa to enter the United Kingdom.  She has a job with an British firm, is enrolled in a British University Masters degree and still she gets the run around.

Apparently, all Arabs are potential terrorist.

Apparently lodging a query with the embassy on the status of the application is apparently a bad idea.

Apparently she won’t be going to the UK for her course, even with a letter of recommendation from the Uni.

The solution to these problems for her, is apparently to get married to a brit.. shame that she can’t  find any that she likes or that could put up with her…

okay, so maybe the excitement got to me a little

but, I am still a little bit nervous about what I’ll be doing around 2am on Friday morning… I saw the girlfriend last night and all the other desires vanished instantly – but with her away, and after a couple of beers, what am i going to be thinking come the weekend? I’m still tingling in my belly with anticipation – maybe that’s the bit I am finding so delicious…

french maids, teachers and temptation

9 months ago I met a girl, she was cute, a Kiwi and a teacher. When I saw cute, i mean really cute – and sporty too, a must for me in a girl. The problem 9 months ago was that I had a girlfriend, plus a load of excess baggage. 9 months ago, she also had a boyfriend.

I ran into this kiwi chick 2 weeks ago at a music festival and we started chatting, she’s still cute, but without the boyfriend.. I still have a girlfriend and things have been…. uncertain I guess.. I’ve now been invited to a party where she will be dressed as a French Maid (gulp!), while my girlfriend is away for a weekend – is this too much temptation? Am I going to be able to resist it? I’ve tried inviting friends along to keep me in line, but it seems every one is busy. Every time I think about the party I get nervous, I can’t not go, but I’m not sure I should. I guess, if the temptation is that strong, that’s telling me something that I don’t really want to face up to.. Maybe this weekend will be a telling point for me? We’ll see!

back in action? we’ll see..

It’s been 8 months since I’ve written here, time flies.. I haven’t even kept at my “serious” blog that well either, or been up with my photography, but I got inspired by a girl this morning to write in here. She talked about her blog where she writes her dirty little secrets, and how if she hadn’t written about me in there that she’d show it to me.
This got me thinking, I need my ‘dirty little secret’ blog to keep me sane.  You see, I’m one of those people who gets hooked, fixated on a subject.  I’ll get an idea in my head, think about it, turn it into something disastrous and then stress over it.  It builds and builds and builds until I just need to burst and when I do, I go too far…

So, welcome to my pressure relief valve..  Hopefully it won’t just be a whinge, there’ll be some scandal too (there normally is), my life is never without it.. Even if it is the scandal of other people!

heading home..

The moment of truth is just around the corner. I am heading home to visit my family, friends and a beautiful girl who things never quite finished with. This adds complication and nerves to my trip. It could be simple – just heading home to visit family and friends, but no.. i need to change things by involving a girl.

But.. what a girl! I first met her at a party last October while I was trying to get over my ex , and she blew my mind – I soon nicknamed her Hot Wheels.  Singer, artist, beautiful.. what more could a guy want?  We went out a couple of times, had some amazing nights and then the issues with my ex, and the issues with her ex blew up and overtook ‘us’… I never stopped thinking about her and called a couple of months later, she just happened to be in my town – we went out and had a couple more amazing nights and days (I skipped work) before she had to leave.  A month later she called me to say she was moving down.  We spent almost every waking and sleeping moment together for 2 weeks, and when I told my ex things got messy.  Rather than let the mess go too far I ended things with HW and focused on my ex who I still clearly had not got over.

Jump forward 6 months and I am not really talking with the ex, but am exchanging decidedly steamy text messages with HW.. So.. it will be the homecoming I have always dreamed of – an amazing girl at the airport.. but then I have to divide my time between this amazing creature and family and friends.. tricky.. Especially when it is my mum’s birthday… I’m not sure that HW is entirely happy about sharing me…